Every morning when Hubby dear asks me what I have planned for the day, I give him the standard answer
“Nothing”. Obviously this is a lie because not a day has gone past when I’ve done nothing.

Today I had five things lined up to be done : Yoga class in the morning, applying for a duplicate Birth Certificate at the Municipal Office, shopping for vegetables and chicken, checking by telephone the progress on the Smart Card , cleaning two bathrooms and finally organising dinner for 10.

This is how my day unfurled …………….

Task no 1:  I walk down the road to Yoga Class only to find the lift was not working. This meant a trek up the five flights of stairs . After huffing and puffing I was glad to see Ki equally out of breath! She of the perfect Padmasan fame. The good thing was that we didn’t have to stretch our stiff muscles which were already warmed up and could immediately get into twists and turns in various poses.

Task No. 2 : While returning home I met my Albatross (the evil Dr. S of the villainous walk) and knew immediately that things could only go downhill from there. The only lining in this impending cloud was the parking I managed to get in the Municipal compound. However, that was the only good part of the day. As early as 10.30 in the morning, the air in  Municipal office was redolent with  Eau de Bombay ( Odor of Mumbai). Thanks to my Yoga training, I took a deep breath and walked past, breathing again only when I entered through the Formica door below a sign in Marathi saying “Citizen Services”. Since there was absolutely no Information desk, bulletin board or even a faint sign of who to ask what, I waited in a line before the first desk. Since the line didn’t move, I gingerly approached a youngish clerk on another desk and enquired where I could get the BC. Without blinking, she lifted her index finger up, so I went to the first floor.

Luckily I found another (indolent) clerk who had a stack of application forms in front of him . He reluctantly gave me one. I filled it up and was told that since the BC was not a current one, I would have to go to another clerk in the back. I went there and he wrote down the particulars, looked for the records in a Register which he found in a jiffy but still  told me to come back after paying the fees downstairs after which he would give me the certificate 20 working days laer!!!! I went downstairs and waited in line only to be told that I fees were payable only after I getting the certificate. So I went up and was told that he could only give me the certificate after 20 days!!! I was livid by this time and let loose a volley of curses in the local language. On my way out I asked the clerk at the desk to give me his phone number so that I could enquire about the progress of my application. He didn’t believe me when I gave him the reason and very reluctantly disclosed it to me. I was so annoyed by this complete lack of service that on my way out I picked up an application form for my own Death Certificate because no one at home will know the procedure!

Task No 3 : By this time it was already half past eleven and I had to still pick up the vegetables. The moment I went into Bhaji Gully a blue Maruti began honking. I ignored him and called Namdev to bring me my vegetables. No sooner did he pick up my shopping basket than he fled as though seeing a ghost. In fact within seconds literally all the hawkers on the street picked up their fruit and vegetables, closed down their umbrellas and picked up their stuff and r a n faster than the fastest 100m sprint!!!! It was the dreaded Municipal van making its rounds for the monthly pay offs.

Task No 4 : I just about managed to make it to the Chicken shop before it downed its shutters for Siesta. I was fortunate to get the last eight legs which I came home and left to marinate.

Task No 5 : When I called the RTO office, I was told that there was no progress at all in the Smart Card and that nothing is going to happen for the next 10 days at least. Now this will make a delay of almost 60 working days since application. The cause for delay – faulty software…….

Now I will cool off a bit watching TV while waiting for the other tasks do be done in a day when I’m doing nothing!!!

p.s. To get back to how to apply for a Birth Certificate –

1. You will need to apply for at least half a day’s leave from work to make the initial application because forms are given out only from 10-2 on all week days.
2.  Do not try to  apply on line because the websites don’t function properly.
3.  If you call on any numbers, they don’t exist because the numbers on the website are a decoy – actually every government official has a secret number that is only known to his family and to touts.
4. Always factor in an extra 30 working days more than the stipulated time period because in every month there are only 2 Saturdays on which the Government works half day. With at least two public holidays every month, C/ls , P/Ls and A/ls that the employees are entitled do, power shortages, computer glitches and general ineptitude you will be lucky indeed if you get any job done withing the stipulated time .
5. Application forms are generally given out only from 10-2 out of which 10-11 is Tea break , 1-2 is Lunch break and in between there are any number of Pee breaks. 
6. So before you even think of making an application or going to the office, consult the almanac or your astrologer to find out if it is your lucky day. 

In any case if you see your albatross, go back home and take a chill pill.