You can send your mother instead 
or your peon
or your sidekick
or your servant
or a tout

It is strange but during this, my longest visit to the D Ward Municipal Office, I realised that the only well dressed people you will see in the dingy, downmarket environs of the Municipal office are those who come for a DOG licence. This is really strange because these well heeled people in  chiffon and pearls or tight, well cut jeans and  trendy oversized Ferragamo bags or rarer still,  a well groomed man emanating fumes of Cool Water send emissaries and servants  for payment of their Property and Shop & Establishment taxes, picking up Registration Certificates of their Properties, their  Marriages and the Births of their Heirs & Spares but come in PERSON  to get their darling Poochie Poo duly registered and licenced by the BMC.

I had the chance to observe all this during my loooooooooooooong wait at the BMC this morning for the Birth Certificate of my new grandchild.

Act 1 Sc 1 – Over two weeks ago at the D Ward Municipal Office , Ground Floor  – Two sullen looking policemen waiting  near a metal detector which can easily be circumvented by any normal sized human being.
 Me : ( Foolishly asking the constable)  – Is this where you get the Birth Certificate?
Con : (Staring at me with X Ray vision trying to see the Belly Bomb concealed round my muffin top)                  
           Hmmmmmmmmmmmm. ( Looking over his shoulder to a door at the back of the verandah)
Me goes to the back to find an impressive door with Working Time from 9 to 2 written clearly in Marathi. Me opens the door only to find that there is a ramp which takes you inside a well ventilated room with 6 work stations, mysteriously unattended  till quarter past the hour. Me finds the shortest line and is amazed that even 15 minutes after opening time, the lines are already getting long. Luckily the person behind the counter shows up and within 10 minutes Me gets to talk to him who tells her to get the application form from Window #101 on the first floor.
Me goes up the stairs to find that there are several doors on the first floor and hazards a lucky guess and goes into the first door where she comes face to face with this hard to miss notice again in Marathi saying ” DO NOT ASK ANY QUESTIONS HERE”. So Me goes on ahead trying to look for Window # 101 but seeing that the only windows are those which open to the courtyard outside, goes up to a door which has different notices listing various requirements for issuing/applying certificates of birth and death. Obviously this Door/Window opens only at 10.30  so Me has to make another trip……Luckily Mr. Lal Tikka takes pity on Me and allows Me to pick up application forms.

Act 2 Sc.1 A few days later after Me has checked that the information on the form is as per Anna Shetty’s wish. Me goes back to the office.


Me : I want to Register the birth of my grandchild.
Indifferent Clerk 1: When was he born?
Me : Last week
IC 1 : Oh that’s too early.
Me : Early for what?
IC: For the hospital to send the information. The hospital sends the information weekly. Come after a week.
Me : Ok

Act 2 Sc 2 . A few days later at the same Door/Window #101


Me : Has the hospital sent the forms?
IC 2  to IC 1 : Have the forms been sent?
IC1 to IC 2 : Yes I’ll have to search.
IC2 to me : There were three public holidays last week so you’d better come a few days later. Then we’ll check.

Act. 2 Sc3 : After checking with the hospital that the forms have indeed been sent to the D Ward office, Me goes to the Door/Window #101 yet again.

Me : Have the forms been received?
IC 1 : No.
Me : But I’ve checked with the hospital and they said they’ve sent them.
IC 1 : ( Most reluctantly) Ok I’ll check ( and he goes to a side table and opens up a bundle of files. He looks around and comes up with the required form.)
         Yes, it’s here but it has to be fed into the compooter. And you can see that we still have to fill in forms
          from the 25th, 26th, 27th and then the 28th.
Me : Yes I know but how long will that take?
IC 1 : May be you can come next week.

Act 3 Sc 1. Me goes to the Ward Office hoping that things will be done only to find it eerily empty. Constable 1 cheerily informs Me that it is the Second Saturday of the month hence the office is closed!

Act 3 Sc 2 Me goes to the office yet again and meets Shekhar the over enthusiastic assistant manager of our building.
Shekhar : O what have you come for?
Me : The Birth Certificate of my grandchild.
Shekhar : Do you have xeroxes of any proof of your identity?
Me : No. I have the originals and besides I have come in person.
Shekhar  nodding his head knowingly steps back into his own line. A few moments later when the clerks all file in, Shekhar summons me to his line as my counter is still unmanned. I give up my application and the clerk tells me that I would have to go to Window #101 to get the approval from the Ministry of Health before she can issue the certificate!

Act 3 Sc 2 . Me goes up to the first floor which she suddenly discovers has become the Ministry of Health D Ward Office only to find Mr. Lal Tikka and Kala Takloo vigorously moving tables from inside Window #101. Mr. Lal Tikka tells me to wait outside as Officer who Verifies will only come after 10.30. Me reluctantly backs off not wanting to lose the first move advantage. 
In the meanwhile Eager Beaver 1 asks Me to get up from my seat as it is HIS place. Me gets up and finds Eager Beaver asking for yet another desk. Mr. Lal Tikka informs him that this is all that they have. Mr Kala Takloo tells him to move the desk against the cupboard which is never opened and that way he will be able to accommodate the compooter on the table and not need another table to accommodate his colleague  Mr. Notso Eager Beaver 2 .


While Me is waiting for Officer whoVerifies to show up, the office is slowly getting active. IC1 from Door/Window #101 comes looking for his table which he obviously did not recognise as the one occupied by the Eager Beavers. When he realises that he will have to work on the floor he starts his “search” for another table looking suspiciously under all the other tables in the room.

Me asks Mr. Lal Tikka how the office could transfer two people without giving them work stations.


Mr. Lal Tikka : This is just tempervary. After they go why do we need tables?
Me : Why do you need them?
Mr. Lal Tikka : Oh to put all these files on the compooter ( pointing to the hundreds of bundles all precariously piled on all the cupboards.)
Me : O I see. So how long is temporary?
Mr. Lal Tikka : Around 3-4 months.
Me : For so long? Then how will the others inside do their work? O they will have to search. They will find the tables somewhere. And what do we do when these guys finish their work? We will have two extra tables.
Me : Then why don’t you send the files to the office of these temporary guys?
Mr. Lal Tikka : Then what will we do if our files are lost?

Act 3 Sc 3. By this time Door/Window # 101 is getting active and IC 1 is seated at the table. Me goes up to him to be told to show the original Registration card from the hospital. Me shows it to him. IC1 checks a file and says that it has to still be entered in the compooter.


Me : What nonsense! I myself saw with my own eyes that all the information was fed in your system.
IC1 : Then what do you want?
Me : I need your approval.
IC1 : Ok but you have to wait (ushers me out of his sight).

Me meekly waits at the back of the line foolishly expecting to be called her turn. Mr. Lal Tikka endorses Me’s idea of catching the Bull by the Horns and Me goes up to the Officer who Verifies . 


O w V : Which day did you say? 28th March? Come next week.
Me : What nonsense. I’ve been coming diligently for the past 15 days and I refuse to come yet again.
O w V : Ok and asks IC2 to check on the computer.
After 5 minutes IC2 hands over the application to OwV telling him that the information has been fed. OwV swivels the monitor towards me and asks me to check the spellings. Then he grudgingly tells Me to go downstairs and wait for at least 10 minutes.
OwV : This is not instant you know.

Act 3 Sc.4. Me goes down to the office having spent over 2 hours on the premises. She finds the shortest line only to find another person sitting faraway pointingout that she is also waiting in line albeit at a distance. So Me finds another queue. This moves quite efficiently till another counter opens up and Me and the person in front are invited to join up. Me waits her turn and finds that the compooter has hung………..…..
Act 3. Sc 4. Luckily the computer unhangs soon enough, Me makes the payment, gets the printout and is asked to go upstairs to Door/Window1 for stamping by IC1 and signature of Medical Officer.

Act 3. Sc 5. Me emerges from the D Ward Office beaming like an idiot hearing the chorus of “We are the Champions” playing in Me’s head.


Yes!!! The job is done!