Thirty years ago when my friend Prema was looking for a groom, she made it quite clear that she was not looking for a “boy” but a man. She was also very fussy about the kind of man she wanted.  Like all of us, she wanted him tall, and handsome,  someone who would make her heart beat faster, her step grow quicker and her smile wider with just the thought of him. Then she also wanted him to be smarter than Bill Gates and richer than Croesus. But what was most important, this veritable Greek God should have no parents or siblings. She was so fussy that one of her friends whose umpteenth recommendation was rejected for the umpteenth time actually said ” In that case you should look in an orphanage or may be make your own Man”.

I must say,Prema got  her perfect man, a man who came closest to her profile – he had no parents ( they died before he could get married) and virtually no siblings as they were far removed  from his life  both geographically and emotionally. So like the proverbial princess, she found her Prince who didn’t turn into a frog and they both lived happily ever after.

Marrying a man, however perfect he may be, is not without the dangers of marrying his family. In India at least, the man comes as a package deal and as I’ve come to believe, every woman has to deal with her natural enemy – her mother in law. I digress a little but the Mother in law is the most hated relative on this planet – the sons-in-law  hate them equally because their wives turn so irritatingly like their mothers when they are having a fight. So if any man has no mother in law to contend with, he should consider himself blessed.

Fathers-in-law and Brothers-in-law are also quite manageable for woman as most times they can be kept in the periphery unless of course they control the family’s purse strings. If that is the case then all in-laws are potential out-laws.

But apart from the mother-in-law, a wife has to most watch out for that other very special person in “his” life – his sister or her sister-in-law. Initially all is hunky dory as the young bride or new bride ( considering how old  brides are getting these days calling them young is quite ridiculous) is “welcomed” into the family. Then as familiarity starts breeding contempt and the in-law’s teeth start falling or bones start aching,  the sisters-in-law step in : despite the love showered by the son on his parent, the care given by his wife is never enough so the poor sisters-in-law are left to do the donkey work of taking over the care of their parents. This is also largely due to the fact the mother-in-law has no faith in her daughter-in-law (despite many years of living together and getting to know each other) and is only comfortable with her own flesh and blood. So then begins the careful Dance of the In-Laws where the sister-in-law makes all the doctors’ appointments, accompanies the ailing parent and then grudgingly instructs the brother’s wife to follow up ………. This formula is repeated for everything concerning the parents – right from getting their Fixed Deposits renewed to taking them to their friend’s funerals and accompanying them to family functions. And God forbid if you have more than one sister-in-law…………

Which brings me to the ultimate formula

D= 1/s

Where D= Mother-in-law’s distrust
s= sister in law ( the more the sisters-in-law, the greater the distrust)

So, in hindsight I think Prema was right – not only does she not have any parents-in-law to pander to, she doesn’t even have a sister-in-law to contend with as the Perfect Man didn’t have one in the first place!   ………